Can you marry a man you just met?

Technically yes.  You CAN marry a man you just met, according to Kendra Tierney.  And not just because no one is stopping you.  Sometimes it works and works great.  But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a good idea, in my opinion.

Dating interminably doesn’t necessarily prepare you for marriage – Ms. Tierney is correct on this one.  But that’s because marriage is part of life and you can’t do a whole lot of preparation for life.  You can try, but then life will laugh at you.

I thought I also detected a hint of resentment at people that look down on young married couples with condescension as if they are in a position to know whether that particular couple made a good decision or a mistake.  I am in 100% agreement here – I have long observed that people are exactly as mature as they are expected to be, have to be, and / or want to be.  There is no reason to assume that someone is immature just because of their age.

She is also technically correct that you need to be compatible, committed, and answer to a higher power.  She makes a lot of great points.  But you still shouldn’t marry a man you just met.  You need to actually get to know them to figure out if you are compatible in all the important ways, like religion, openness to children, the proper way to load the dishwasher, whether marriage is something you commit to for life … things of that nature.

“But Athena,” I hear, “that’s why you talk to each other!  You talk to each other and figure out everything you need to know about them!”

Oh, if only life were that simple!

Part of the reason that you give these things some time is that you want to know if that great guy you just met is actually a great guy or if it’s just a façade.  A really savvy abuser can say and do anything to convince you that he is The One.  Give to the needy?  Yup.  Go to church with you?  That too.  Have deep philosophical discussions about God, the universe and everything?  That as well.  He can also take care of you when you’re sick, cheer you up when you’re in a bad mood, explore your taste in movies and music, introduce you to his taste, and discover new passions and hobbies with you.  He can even be absolutely committed to marriage and lifelong love and putting every effort in to keep your marriage going strong.

Until you actually get married.

And you have a baby.

And you decide to stay home, because you both agree that it’s very important for children to be raised by a stay-at-home parent if at all possible.

Suddenly, the power dynamic in the relationship has changed.  You’re not working, plus you’re busy with the children, while he makes all the money and is free to come and go as he pleases.

And because he can go wherever he pleases, he finds himself in the arms of another woman.  And then another one.  And he comes home and tells you about it because he wants to be “honest.”  And then he asks for your permission to continue – “Don’t you want me to be happy?  I’m not happy with you.”  Of course you’re upset about this – he did promise to be faithful to you, didn’t he?  And funny enough, cheating was never even close to an issue while you were dating.  Knowing your spouse is unfaithful is painful enough; knowing your spouse is unrepentantly unfaithful is soul-crushing.  So you get upset, and you fight.  It gets physical.  You scream.  Neighbors call police.  Police come and find a quivering, shaking woman with not a scratch on her.  You’re a little fuzzy on what happened because it happened so fast, but you know you’re going to have some bruises, um, here, and you think over here, too.  He soberly and carefully points out the bites and scratches you made to desperately fight back against him, sadly telling the police that he doesn’t know why you did this to him but he loves you so he doesn’t want to press charges.  You try to interject that he unplugged the phone so you couldn’t call for help, shoved you across the room, threw you down to the ground, your neck narrowly missing the edge of a crate on the ground, pinned you down and started to choke you.  He had pulled back when you bit him which gave you enough air to scream.  He looks at you sadly, then shares a knowing look with the police, “She’s crazy – you see what I have to put up with?”  And of course he had found a second to put the phone cord back in the wall before they showed up.

And because you live where he is stationed, you have no family or friends to turn to for help.  No money of your own because you don’t work.  No one to take care of the kids even if you were to get a job.  Nowhere to go that you can get to on one tank of gas.  Any of the friends you do have were his friends first and guess whose side they take when it all falls apart?  That’s right – his.  You have NOBODY.

So you try, and you try, and you try harder.  Whenever you try to talk to him about that night, you want him to know how hurt you were and you want him to apologize.  He looks at you like you’re crazy – “that never happened.”  No matter what you say, he appears not to know what you are talking about.  So you start to wonder if you are crazy.  Maybe it was your fault.  Maybe you were just imaging things.  Maybe you were overreacting.  It’s not like you have any other options, right?  You try being the woman he wants.  You dye your hair, do your nails the way he likes, wear the clothes he likes, try to always cook dinner on time and always have the house clean.  You stop talking to the couple friends you managed to make because he doesn’t like them.  You act like a porn star in bed for him.  You do … things … that he physically forces you to do.  And the worst part is – you end up reprogramming yourself mentally into thinking that this is normal in order to survive.  Marriage changes you, right?  Marriage involves sacrifice, right?  Love keeps no record of wrongs, right?  You need to be committed to marriage as an institution because divorce is bad, right?  See?  Nothing to worry about – everything is fine!  It’s a feature of marriage, not a bug.

“Okay, Athena.  That’s all well and good … I guess … but what does this have to do with anything?”

The reason I’m telling you all this is because of Ms. Tierney’s contention that you can successfully marry a man you just met if he has X, Y, and Z wonderful qualities.  Well, I’ve met that man.  He was better than Ms. Tierney’s wildest dreams.  He and I were best friends for a year and a half.  We were compatible, committed, and answered to a higher power.  And being his wife nearly destroyed me.

Would I have seen something in him to warn me to cut and run if we had dated longer before marriage?  I don’t know.  But I do know that if you don’t at least give yourself some time, you really limit your opportunities to see the red flags before it’s too late.  So no, I don’t think it’s a good idea to marry someone you just met.

Bottom line – you marry another person with free will.  At any given time, they are making choices.  There is nothing to stop YOUR spouse (yes yours) from choosing to cheat, choosing to be abusive, choosing to leave, whether you married him after a day or after ten years.  It is the height of foolishness to assume that you know what another person’s free choices will be for the rest of their lives.  You simply cannot know that you will not end up divorced.  You certainly hope not, and you certainly trust that your spouse will stay with you, but you cannot know for sure.  And it makes me very upset when people talk as if they can know for sure.

Marriage is scary.  It’s wonderful, but scary.  Understand this, appreciate it, be grateful for your spouse, cherish each day, and don’t be so arrogant as to assume that you can be 100% certain about the future.

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6 comments

  1. It’s two sides of the same coin: if you marry someone who is a decent person and well-suited to you, you can have a decent marriage whether you marry them after knowing them for eight months or for eight years. If you marry an abuser, it will fail whether you marry them after knowing them for eight months or for eight years.

    The fact is, you can never know someone until you’re married to them, no matter how long the pre-existing relationship was. I tend to get skeptical when people claim that if you “do it right,” then you’re guaranteed a certain result. (And how to “do it right” varies drastically; basically if someone’s experience worked well for them, then they recommend that exact way for everyone.)

    With marriage, as with life, there are no guarantees. There are things you can do to increase your chances of success, but you can never achieve total certainty.

  2. Nobody knows what will happen to the future, but a person still needs to make sure if a person is a good person.

    Some people are not good in sensing if a person is just a normal jerk, if he’s an abuser, and if he’s a serial killer. The worst part is if you don’t what an abusive relationship is and you’re not aware it’s happening to you. One year is not enough to get to know someone. Sometimes even spending a lifetime with them is not enough especially when no one think there’s something wrong in the relationship.

    In my experience, I was torn between family and thinking about myself. Fortunately, I’m free from all control, manipulations, deceptions, and trickery around me. I believe I found the way to know if the person is someone I should marry or not. I firmly believe that.

    If you’re going to commit, you have to trust, if you can’t trust then don’t commit. That’s what I do when I’m trying to decide if I should keep someone in my life. It’s not about doing it right. Where specifically do you do it right? In the marriage? Everyone needs to do it right in getting involve with anyone.

    I’ve gained several friends and I now know for sure if I can trust them cause my radar for red flags is automatically on ever since as a kid and I won’t care if we’re bound by blood anymore.

    I think it’s a matter of finding people to trust. It’s different for everybody. So instead of listening to other people on how to do it, listen to your heart and your mind.

    Only take what other people said as suggestions. Besides, if you follow their suggestions, you’re the one who’s going to suffer the consequences.

    Only listen to someone if you’re sure, and if you can trust them with your welfare and your life.

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