To my boss on my last day

 

I remember the day it first hit me that I had a stupid, silly, embarrassing schoolgirl crush on you.  I don’t remember exactly when it was, but I do remember thinking to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

After my last day working for you I came home and cried.  Once again, here I am thinking to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”  And now we’ve come full circle.

“Well if you don’t want to leave, then don’t,” I hear you thinking.  Yes, yes, I know – no one is forcing me to leave.  When I really thought about what I know about you, I didn’t expect you to understand.  I wanted you to understand, because I care what you think of me.  I hoped you would understand, because we understand a lot of really random things about each other.  We think a lot alike, which is one thing that made our professional relationship really fun.  But you also have a ruthlessly self-interested streak, so you shut down long before you even started to see it from my perspective.

When I first told you I was leaving, you sat on it for a day and then came back to me – “Should we talk about this?”  I was not expecting that at all.  I don’t know if you realize how perilously close you came to changing my mind over the next two weeks.  Or maybe you do but you don’t care because I didn’t actually change my mind.

When I thought about how much I wanted to leave, I didn’t fully trust myself because I was afraid my irritation was blinding me to all the reasons I should stay.

But when I thought about how much I wanted to stay, I really didn’t trust myself because I was afraid my feelings were being influenced by how I felt about you.  Remember that stupid, schoolgirl crush I mentioned earlier?  Yeah, that was a real pain in the ass.

It was a lot to work through, which was hard enough, but the hardest part was working through it alone.  Sure, I had my husband and a few friends to talk to, but their perspective on accounting career issues is so limited.  The one person whose advice I really wanted was the person sitting across the table from me.  For obvious reasons, that was the one person whose advice I couldn’t have.

So, I figured if I can’t trust some of my feelings, then I really can’t trust any of them.  It had to come down to intellectual reasons only.  And that conclusion was unmistakable:  I had to go.  Oh, I fought it for a while.   A long while.  Not that you looked terribly closely(*) but I’m told the weight loss was fairly obvious.  That’s how hard I had to hit the gym just to stay sane while I was both getting my work done and accepting the inevitable.  I also lost a lot of hair because agonizing indecision is ever so much fun.

But the biggest thing I was afraid of?  Telling you.  I knew that it would be the end of our friendly professional relationship, and I really, really, really didn’t want that.  So the real reason I lost the weight and the hair?  You.

A year from now I’ll look back and laugh at myself, but the fact remains that today I feel like crap.  Thankfully I only have to keep myself distracted this weekend before I can throw myself into my new job on Monday – I expect to be overwhelmed, which will help more than anything.

I wish you nothing but the best.

I will never forget you.

(*) Which is more than fine, really.  Honestly, if you had said something, I would have wondered if I was in the office or out at a certain client-which-shall-not-be-named.  You know the one.


 

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

anigif_enhanced-13108-1448862653-2

Thanks for reading; I feel better now.

We will never speak of this again.

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9 comments

  1. everyone should have at least one office romance in their life, unless you are married. Also it should only be with a lateral coworker, never a boss or a subordinate.

    are audit firms and CPA firms the same thing?

    1. Oops – mobile app is fail. Meant to add that most CPA firms are better at one thing or another, and I happen to have specialized in audit. Does that help?

  2. My “office romance” was at my first military training school: I fell in love with my immediate superior. You know, the guy I was supposed to be getting trained by, and take all my problems too — you can guess how often THAT happened… So as I struggled through the school, I flailed around helplessly, unable to ask for help because I couldn’t admit weakness to him. I still love him, but I wish more than anything that he hadn’t been my boss.

    1. Well, it’s a stretch to call this one an “office romance” – I’m pretty sure it really was just this one-sided blob of feelings on my end.

      But you’re right – having those feelings (even when there is a 0% chance of anyone acting on anything) can really be a pain. It messes up your objectivity and you KNOW it’s messing up your objectivity but you don’t know how to correct for it, you know?

      I will say – one week later my head is MUCH clearer and it’s become much more obvious how badly I needed to remove myself from that situation.

      1. As far as I know, mine was completely one-sided; right after I got there, there was a huge scandal with an E-6 staff member marrying an E-3 student, so I was terrified to let anyone find out. I ended up treating him terribly in an attempt to disguise my real feelings.

        But on my end, it did completely mess with everything I did: I couldn’t make any objective decisions because of my obsession with him; I ended up doing a lot of stupid stuff. Heck, I am where I am right now because of it!

        You know the old legends about love potions, and how everybody would want to get ahold of them to make their crush fall in love with them? In reality, I think that there would be a higher demand for a fall OUT of love potion, that people would buy for themselves, so that they could get on with their lives. I’d pay for it!

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